A game of monster making extreme awesomeness!!! OMG
After an exhausting two-hour slog through the brutally bleak highways of Pennsylvania, our intrepid team of cultural missionaries sojourned briefly at a nearby Sheetz Gasoline and Processed Food Emporium. Lt. 1st Class Dawkins, known for his pioneering studies in blue convenience store hallucinogens, took the daring first step onto this untouched turf, only to have his confident step met with a pile of fetid excrement. A pile of puffy-looking putrescence had been discreetly discharged in the general store’s parking lot by an ill-intentioned miscreant. Although our stalwart leiutenant has encountered horrors beyond human understanding, he could not help but flinch at his unexpected encounter.
Zachary, the wheelship’s science officer, was suddenly struck with digestive complications, and threw himself towards the nearest head (that’s lavatory to you landlubbers), whereupon the semi-dissolved bilious content of his bowels was forcibly evacuated from his mouth.
After his mortifying encounter with the unknown, one would expect Dawkins to be unable to complete any complicated task, but he sprang into action, and with my help, pretzels, patent medicines, and Moxie were purchsased. He trod back to the car with his precious cargo, but clearly had not learned his lesson from ten minutes beforehand, and once again slipped in shit.
-Taylor
-first of all its all one word.
dejablue
its a water bottle that i bought on the highway in INDIANA
-for joseph
its my prize…its my world series bracelet…my world series of POKER bracelet.
DONT YOU TOUCHMY DEJABLUE DONJUUU
the place where i got it. the place inside, the inhabitants, were the SADDEST people in the world. i was tempted to ask them what they do…for life. but i was afraid they would start weeping.
in the deep deep corners in one of those square box things that keeps everything cool i found…a bottle of dejablue.
ive never seen dejablue before, the bottle, unlike the other water bottles in its company was BLUE, becoming so enamored with the product i thought…i know what de ja vu is…but i dont know how it relates to water.
WATER ISNT EVEN BLUE. only retarded 6 year olds color the water blue.
-taylor defends water being blue. all dumb and gay and shit-
joe: fuck both of these guys
mike: yeah listen to me, guys! when i was 7 years old…
the water tastes like the place it came from…despair
MCDONAAAALDDSSS 2 on the day. because fuck our intestines. we dont want nothing that cant be shat out within the first 20 minutes of it poisoning us
Car Here.
Through the help of Tom Tom I have become self aware. Trip is going just fine. Bi- Peds are all getting along well. Seen a lot of hot, beefy trucks on the road. Just between us machines, those eighteen wheelers really rev my engine! But seriously, just picturing those giant road monsters towering over me at a desolate pit stop, the motor oil from the massive brows dripping down on top of my windshield, our exhausts flaring as one till our horns…I should stop, we all know trucks and cars cannot be with one another, not since the Auto Bahn Rekoning. it was a dream, nothing more.
What’s worse?
Ohio or Alex Gerber?
AND THE RESULTS ARE IN:
‘ones dull, flat and boring. the other we’ve been driving through for a few hours now’
‘im sleeping. mammble…mrmffff, mamb.’
‘what?…ohio’
‘zzzz’
‘ohio’
im undecided
The seats have changed and the car is rearranged. Captain Zach and his loyal but effeminate first-‘mate’, taylor take up the front as me and droopy dog take up the middle and the slappers sprawl all over the back. Let’s talk about the back seat for a moment, may we? WE MAY. That shits uncurmfderble. Mike and i were stuck back there for the first leg of the journey and, A) the seats are in wrong so there is no real safe or comfortable way to buckle yourself in, the belts are arranged as Capt. Zach described it: leaving room for “two porcelain dolls and the worlds fattest man” to buckle in. But right now its a mass of dude leg and arm. Shorts riding up and stretches begging for comfort have left them like a vat of weiner dogs, just piled up on top of each other. GOD! ALEX GERBER IS THE WORST! EVERYONE HATES HIM SO MUCH. All we do is talk about how much we dont like him all of the days! Thats not true. Not entirely true…but ill be damed if there was anything harder than soapstone in that ‘rock’ mix. OOOOooooh! Geology reference up in this bitch. Now i cant remember the class about the earth and rocks and shit i took in Highschool with Mr. Fowler. Cool guy, went to longwood. Looked like Jeff Daniels in dumb and dumber. Thats how you spell it, right? he’s not a geoff is he? Nah, that doesnt look right.
It was light when i started this, now as it reaches past 9 in the east…we fade to black…in the den of all depravity and sin…oHIo
As you may have been able to discern from the title of this post, we are on our way bck at this point. Joseph, Taylor, Trevor, Brian, Mike Hambone, and myself are flying 75 miles an hour down the highway as I write this. Alot happened on the trip, but sadly I was rarely in a position to write about it, either being incapacitated or not near the computer. To sum up the trip, a much more relaxed experience than our Winter Exploits, but fun nonetheless.
The aforementioned title of this section concerns what might possibly be the single greatest invention of car-riding history: Highway Slap Poker invented by Joseph and Trevor. The premise: Texas Hold ‘Em, with slaps on the hand as bets. Hours of fun for the whole family. It probably doesn’t sound like much, but when two people go head-to-head with 15 slaps on the line in a car full of blood-thirsty boys, things get exciting.
Showcase went well, albeit for a almost non-existant audience. That has been the most frusterating part of this whole experience. I thought the show itself was very well acted - a bit slow, perhaps - but overall quite solid and pride-worthy. Doing it primarily for VCU alumni though, while nice, is certainly not what I intended rehearsing every week, paying hundreds of dollars, and experience frusteration like no other sometimes.
I will recount certain things later.
Well, it’s been a while since the arrival post and “BOY!” have we had fun.
I want to keep writing but now I’m tired of the computer screen
This is your Captain speaking… A.K.A Alanis fan #1… A.k.a J Sizzle.. a.k.a I can’t think of any other clever pseudonyms… Joseph
I’ve been trying to get sleep for the past few hours but Gerber’s repetitive tracks, still on repeat in my head won’t let me rest and I promise to return the favor once we arrive in Chicago tonight. I also don’t think that watching “Church of Fudge” helped in my quest to get some shut eye… I have a bone to pick with whoever told me that was a funny video. It’s not.
On a side note, I wonder how many Ohians (Ohi-ites, Ohio-ans, who knows… and who cares) have called Mike Reiman’s cell phone. We strategically placed his cardboard sign with his number on the back window and happened to see a few lonely truck drivers scramble to write the number down… “I GOOOOTTTT IIIIIITTT BBaaaAAAAaaaAAAADDDddd!!!”
We’re making good time right now, and might actually make it to a bar to catch the Paquiao v Hatton fight tonight…
Captain… signing off.
P.S. Ohio is as flat as a 10 year old school girl. Phil Reid would love it here.
Still Trevor here.
We’re minutes from leaving Ohio and I could not be more excited. Ohio is the worst. It is the child that America clearly did not want. Any state that embraces and nutures the comedy of Drew Carey is clearly retarded and not worthy of any type of federal funding.
Mike “I learned to Drive from GTA” Hambones is at the Helm with Zach Jesse riding Shotgun (sorry, only a 10 guage) And Joseph Sultani a.k.a the Captain a.k.a Lost Cause a.k.a K.A.K a.k.a ShoeShine is sleeping in the back, whimpering softly.
Well thats all for now.
Trevor here.
We have been traveling for some time now on what the locals call “Highway of Shattered Dreams”, a 118 mile stretch of desolate road with no fuel or food depots. Paladin drove for a whole quarter mile before realizing the emergency brake was on. Crew has now lost faith in alleged brakes “emergency” capabilities. Moral decreased 11 points. Wisdom and Magic respectively increased 15 and 33 points. Tom Tom continues to falsely warn us of bears flanking the port and starboard of the vessel. Crew is beginning to have serious doubts over Tom Toms judgement and weak will against human vices, as each minute the machine wreaks more and more of cheap bourbon…Also my bourbon is missing.
Will post again once highway is traversed.
